


Evidently, or the Plans That Somehow Went Right

by crossingwinter, StormDancer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, F/F, F/M, Humor, In Which Peter Has !Characterization!, Marauders' Era, Mary’s Definitely Not A Blatant Author Insert, Romance, Sneaky Gay Werewolf Ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-25 09:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crossingwinter/pseuds/crossingwinter, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormDancer/pseuds/StormDancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mayhem, hijinks, and immature pranks.  The epistolary evidence of how Lily and James happened.  And Remus and Sirius.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

ABORT! ABORT! 

-Sirius

\-------

Mister Padfoot, 

I’ve been gone two days. What could you have done already? Incited all the House Elves into a revolt against you?

Yours most wearily,

Moony

\-------

Remus,

Please, dear god, save us all. They forgot the Bubotuber Pus. 

Pete

\-------

Remus,

Can you look up the effects of Bubotuber pus on skin, especially sensitive, lily-white skin? I would but let's be honest, you're better at it. And I can't be bothered. And if I venture out of the dorm without an answer, Lily will have my balls in a vise. You're aces, mate.

Enjoying your break?

James

\-------

Prat--

Go die in a fire.

Evans

\-------

Remus,

Sirius thinks it's a good idea for us to barricade the door to protect James. I think this is unreasonable. Please advise.

As always,

Peter Planmaker Pettigrew

\-------

Planmaker? Really?

She wants me to die in a fire!

-James

\-------

Assorted Marauders,

Bubotuber pus, if one could be bothered to open a textbook and read, is best counteracted with essence of dittany. Which I am fairly certain Lily already knows, being far better at such potion-like things than I am.

James, you have an invisibility cloak. I might advise now being the time to use it. Barricading the door might become problematic when Sirius can no longer control his bladder. We don't want a repeat of the Unfortunate Incident of '74, do we?

-Remus

\-------

Lily,

I apologize for my friends' idiocy, and would ask that if you are to kill them, please don't do it in the room. I have to sleep there too.

Hope you are enjoying your break despite the boils,

Remus

\-------

Hi Remus,

Shan't happen in the dorm room, I promise. Besides, it requires someone far braver than me to go into that pit you all call a lair.

Desperate boils are gone. That's besides the point. The point is that your friends are fucking morons. And I will make them pay.

How are the other history nerds? Are you making friends?

I miss you. Mostly because of these twats.

-Lily

\-------

Mary,

I hate them so much it hurts sometimes.

-Lily

\-------

Prongs,

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Wormtail

\-------

Dear Lily,

The conference is amazing! I never knew so many people cared about the Goblin Rebellions of 1523-1525 before--but then again, my sample size is slightly skewed. It's pretty great to be able to open a book and not have it snatched out of my hands. I keep on having this daydream where I’m sitting in the common room and Sirius walks by and does not interrupt me.

If you could have your revenge finished by the time I get back, that would be wonderful. It's much more tolerable to hear them whine from a distance.

-Remus

\-------

Lily,

No you don't

-Mary

\-------

Wormtail, What would you know?

-Prongs

\-------

Prongs,

All right. When you end up with flowers spurting out of your ears because you’ve written her apologetic poetry for the sixty-seventh time, don’t come crying to me.

W.

\-------

Wormie my lad,

You poor benighted man, why do you think I would cry on you? That’s what Remus is for. He understands feelings. Or so he claims.

Do you think flowers would work?

-Prongs

\-------

Sirius,

I blame you.

-Remus

\-------

Remus

This one BLOODY FUCKING WASN’T MY FAULT.

Hope you’re enjoying the history nuts.

S

\-------

Sirius,

I always blame you, you know that. And I have no doubt that it was at least partly your fault, as I know I specifically mentioned the pus to you and you still forgot it.

And we aren’t nuts. In fact, at least one (other than me, your always-nutty Moony) is not-nuts enough that I may keep in contact with her after I return to the wilds of Scotland. Just to show you that I am, in fact capable of talking to people other than Marauders.

-Remus

\-------

Prongs,

I’m sure she’d be more than happy to make flowers grow out of your ears. Again. I seem to recall the rosethorns making your face bleed. Might not be as funny a second time around, but I imagine that we’ll just suffer through it.

Also, Remus isn’t here. Who else are you going to cry on? Sirius wouldn’t tolerate that. And I shan’t either. Then what will you do.

Yours (but not to cry on),

Wormtail

\-------

Wormie,

Well, you were right. I demand your shoulder. Or a healing charm.

-Prongs

\-------

Remus,

Traitor.

Also, in case you are wondering, James now has flower growing out of his ears. It’s worse than the roses. And he doesn’t know how to counterjinx it this time. Evans has gotten better.

Also, McGonagall was giving me the evil eye again. I think she suspects me.

Sirius

\-------

Lils,

Flowers? Again? Can’t you cut the guy a break? I think his poetry’s getting better--at least moon and June rhyme.

-Mary

\-------

Sirius,

Traitor, am I? Maybe I will remain here with Clarissa and my haven of history nuts rather than return to the nuts of Gryffindor tower. What would you do then? Who would de-jinx James (try exflora, by the way)?

McGonagall is playing the law of averages. She’s usually right.

-Remus

\-------

Mary,

If he doesn’t have the brains to apologize with chocolate, then I don’t have to come up with a new form of punishment for him.

Also, he was sneezing during the Heads meeting. I think he’s allergic to Thistle. Whoops.

-L

\-------

Remus, Am writing you from the hospital wing. James went into anaphylactic shock. Thistles, apparently, are deadly.

I shall forgive your treason if you come home to your nuts. Or at least send James a nice card.

Cheers,

Sirius

\-------

S-

Will head back right away. Is James okay?

-R

\-------

Lily,

You know I think you’re wonderful, but if you actually hurt James you’re going to have to go on a date with him to make up for it.

-Remus

\-------

Remus,

James is fine. Madame Pomfrey had him right as rain in about ten minutes. Sirius is trying to get you back here so that he doesn’t have to do his Wednesday detention alone. He has plans again.

Peter

\-------

Potter,

Sorry about the allergies. Didn’t mean it. Who’s allergic to thistles?

Lily

\-------

I didn’t mean to, Remus, I swear! I thought it was funny because they are purple and hurt if you scratch them! He can’t make me date him over that, can he?

-Lily

\-------

Marauders!

Success! I now know the way to my Lily-pad’s heart! Who’s willing to jinx me into the hospital wing?

\-------

Please, dear God, pick me. Because this is going to work oh so well.

-the Planmaker

\-------

Lily,

No, but I could. I’ll hold that in reserve. He really is okay? Pete said he was, but he would say that even if Jame was dying if James wanted him to.

-Remus

\-------

All:

Pete, stop encouraging him.

James: No.

Sirius: No, and take that look off your face. It’s a bad idea. I don’t know what you’re planning, but no.

-Remus

\-------

What look on my face? I haven’t got a look on my face. 

Am confused.

Kindly elucidate.

-Sirius

\-------

Sirius,

You know the one. Stop smirking. Just because you actually noticed me using ‘elucidate’ once does not mean you have a large vocabulary.

-Remus

\-------

Lily,

So how was Potter’s bedside? Did you enjoy the hours spent there?

-Mary

\-------

Have you ever contemplated every possible way your life could be going worse and found nothing? Because that has now happened to me. Twice. In one hour. At Potter’s bedside. He had more poetry. He was trying a villanelle. It wasn’t working. Oh god, Mary, I’ll never get it out of my head.

\-------

There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.

\-------

Remus,

How do you like my poem? I decided to take a page out of your book and use a more formal...form?

-Prongs 

\-------

Prongs,

No. Just...no. Remember the talk we had about poetry? And you not doing it? 

Remus 

\-------

Moony, 

Between you and James, I don’t need a large vocabulary. You’re ridiculously verbose and he’s ridiculously poetical. Merlin, someone needs to be normal sometimes. And if I have to be that person, so be it. 

\-------

Sirius,

You haven’t been normal in your life. 

Also, may have just more or less accidentally gotten a date with Clarissa. Help? I ask you not because of your great expertise, but because look at my other options. yours most worried,

Remus 

\-------

EWWWWWW. FUCK YOU. NOW I AM THINKING OF DIRTY THINGS INVOLVING POTTER AND NONE OF THEM ARE OK.

\-------

Lily,

All of them are okay. Come on, admit it, you think he’s hot. Even I think he’s hot. Not as hot as Black, but still hot. 

Has it ever occured to you that there is a great potential for an orgy there? I bet they’d be up for it. 

-Mary

\-------

Mary, 

I sense that I will be needing your help with Transfiguration next week, given how James is now back in the Hospital Wing with Owls attached to his skull. 

If you could kindly express to Lily that I sort of need to pass my NEWTs, and I’d appreciate it if she stops abusing my friends. 

Pete

\-------

Evans, 

What. The. Fuck. Was. That. For. 

What has he ever done to you except love you? Did he deserve that? Really? 

Sirius

\-------

Black, 

He sort of exists, if you know what I mean. 

Lily.

\-------

That bullshit again? Really? Because that’s mature. You almost killed him. 

Sirius

\-------

You’re lecturing me on maturity? Really? I hope you enjoy the curse in this letter. 

Lily

\-------

REMUS, 

HAHAHAHAH SIRIUS HAS TITS. HAHAHAHA. 

PETER.

\-------

Peter, 

If you do not get me pictures I will never forgive you. 

Has he tried transforming with them? Because that could be an interesting experiment... 

-Remus

\-------

Sirius....can I feel them? 

-J

\-------

NO.

Sirius

\-------

Lily, 

I think your Sirius-oriented actions mean you’re onboard. I’ll propose it to Remus then, shall I? 

He’ll be the hardest to convince. 

-Mary

\-------

Remus, 

How would you feel about an orgy? 

-Mary

\-------

Mary, 

With whom? 

-Remus

\-------

Only if I get Sirius. He has excellent knockers now. 

Lily.

\-------

Remus, 

Me, Lily, you boys. If you have other people you want to invite, feel free.

-Mary

\-------

Mary, 

As someone who has lived with them for seven years and knows their hygiene habits with uncomfortable intimacy, I can safely say I want nothing to do with Peter and an orgy. I’m most sorry. Feel free to carry on without me. 

As a warning, Sirius likes to have scruff, so make him shave first. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. 

-Remus

\-------

Please?

\-------

NO. 

They are mine to fondle.

\-------

Mary, 

Can I take away Black’s tits yet? He keeps fondling them in public and it’s disturbing me. 

Lily

\-------

Remus, 

That’s generous of you. But I know how much you want me, so I wouldn’t want to deprive you of that. We’ll wait for you to get back and make Peter shower. 

-Mary 

\-------

Lils, 

Do what you want. 

Can you give me tits that nice? I kind of wanted to fondle them. 

-Mary

\-------

Unfortunately, you can only perform that spell on men. Why, I am not sure. Found it in the library last year when doing research with Remus on our Disguise project for Defense against the Dark Arts. 

Shall perform research. Every woman should know how to get tits that nice. 

-Lily

\-------

Pete, 

Has Mary said anything about an orgy to you? 

-Remus

\-------

Do I want to know about this? It sounds like a bad plan to me. Would it involve James and Sirius? Because James would get drunk and cry over Lily and Sirius would get drunk and fondle anything that jiggles and Mary would probably sit there creepily looking at all of us, and I don’t know if I want to deal with that. 

Or were you talking about a different kind of orgy? 

-Pete

\-------

Wormtail, 

...You seem to have thought about this a lot. 

It might make Lily finally come to her senses, though. That could be less painful for the rest of us. 

-Remus

\-------

Lily, 

Please, my lily-pad, light of my life--he’s getting disturbing. STOP THEM. Before I dissolve into a pool of annoyance and leave you head-boy less, which I would be loathe to do, as it would give you more work and make your dainty cheeks flush with exertion. So PLEASE 

-James

\-------

I can think of a way for Lily to come to her senses that won’t involve me having to watch a naked James trying to get it in. Shall ponder and get back to you. 

Wormtail 

\-------

Mary, 

I have a proposition for you. 

(Not that kind of proposition). 

Meet in the Library after Charms. 

Peter

\-------

Why Peter, 

How intriguing. 

-Mary

\-------

James, 

I got rid of them yesterday why are they still there? Did he cast the hex on himself????? 

Lily

\-------

Lily, 

Why does no one ever think this through? You need to think it through triply when it involves Sirius. And tits. 

Poor form. 

Peter

\-------

How in bloody hell was I supposed to know that, Peter? 

(Don’t answer that question, please.) 

Lily

\-------

Remus, 

MAKE HIM STOP HE GAVE HIMSELF TITS HE’S OFFICIALLY BROKEN. Plan N is in effect. 

-Prongs

\-------

Sirius, 

Stop. Now. Before we insitute plan N. 

No, you don’t want to know. 

But it involves you as Padfoot, and and the removal of certain body parts that, if I am not mistaken, you greatly value. 

-Remus 

\-------

But they are so soft and squishy, Remus. I like to hold them when I fall asleep. Is that too much to ask for?

\-------

Yes.

\-------

We should try a gender-bender potion on Sirius. He’d make a pretty girl. 

Girl-Sirius and Lupin would be pretty together, don’t you think? 

-Mary 

\-------

No. 

Also, am talking to McGonagall after class. This is getting ridiculous. Potter keeps staring at them in a really creepy way and I don’t know what to do to make him stop.

\-------

I’m telling you. Orgy. Only solution. Or show him yours. They’re better.

\-------

James, 

Does it not occur to you that salivating over Sirius’ tits is not going to help you with Lily? 

Yours, as ever, 

Planmaker

\-------

Wormtail, 

I just can’t help it! They’re so soft and squishy.... 

And stop trying to make the Planmaker work, mate. You’ll always be our Wormie. 

-Prongs

\-------

All I’m saying is she sees you eyeing up a man. That’s going to have to have some effect in her brain, isn’t it? 

-Pete

\-------

Hers are better! But Sirius’s are just... out there. It’s mesmerizing. 

I am ashamed. My love is supposed to be as constant as the sky, and yet I am swayed by a low-cut shirt on my best mate! 

-James

\-------

Remus, 

What have I done? 

Lily

\-------

Remus, 

They never get old! Who knew that mammary glands made all the difference in chests? 

How’s whatsername? I seem to recall you asking for advice. 

My advice: Tits feel great when you caress them. So do that. It’ll help you get your end in. 

Though honestly, you can do better. She probably doesn’t have as nice tits as I do. 

Sirius.

\-------

Sirius, 

Your crassness, as always, knows no bounds. And the Clarissa date went off well, no thanks to you. What kind of friend is too busy feeling himself up to give a mate some advice? She seemed to appreciate my scintillating conversation about the Centaur debates of 1421--and before you make that face, Binns did lecture about them, so no, it was not outside research. 

And stop, please. Before Lily explodes. You wouldn’t want to do that to poor Prongs, would you? 

-Remus

\-------

Lily, 

Take this as your revenge for the thistles. 

-Remus


	2. Chapter 2

Potter, 

I blame you thoroughly for this. There is nothing you will ever be able to do to make me forgive you causing my first detention in six years. 

I have nothing more to say to you. Ever. 

Evans

\------- 

Remus, 

I’d stay out of the common room if I were you. Evans is breathing fire. (Figuratively. Don’t worry. Your Defence homework on the table is fine. Apart from the coffee I spilled on it when copying it.) 

I don’t know if James will survive this one. I barely made it out of there alive. 

-Sirius

\------- 

My Dearest Lily, 

While it pains me to admit that you might be incorrect in anything, light of my life, I am forced to point out that you did not have to follow Sirius and me down to the dungeons. Really, haven’t you learned better by now? Remus wasn’t even there. 

I shall count the hours and the minutes until we sit side by side in McGonagall’s office. 

Yours ever, 

James

\------- 

Pete, 

You couldn’t have stopped them? You’re the one in Potions NEWTs, you get them until we go to Transfiguration. We have a schedule for a reason! 

-Moony

\------- 

Remus, 

When does anyone ever listen to me? It’s not like I have good ideas, or think about things critically or anything. Oh no. I’m just Wormtail, along for the ride, not to be heeded. 

Bitterly in detention with the rest of them, 

Pete

\------- 

Sirius, 

Good luck in detention with the two of them! 

-Remus 

PS: and I’m no longer annoyed about the coffee stain. Amazing how that works.

\------- 

Potter, 

If you don’t stop trying to write poetic verse at me, I will have your guts for garters. It’ll be gross, but I imagine I will simply have to persevere on principle. 

Evans

\------- 

Peter, 

Stage One a success? 

-Mary

\------- 

Remus, 

He’s having a breakdown. Lily’s just told him she doesn’t like the poetry. How, oh how, is he going to express his undying adoration for her? He’s practically having a breakdown in McGonagall’s office. It’s kind of funny to watch. Or it would be, if it weren’t so pathetic. 

Also, why is the coffee stain ok this time? I want to make sure that I replicate that scenario in future. 

Pads

\------- 

SIRIUS WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Flowers don’t work either! 

\------- 

Sirius, 

The situation is Lily probably inflicting grievous bodily harm on you. It means I don’t have to do anything. 

Also, Clarissa owled me this morning. How long am I supposed to wait? You’ve been trained in etiquette, right? That’s part of your training? 

-Moony

\------- 

Marauders Assemble! 

We must think of plans other than my glorious poetry to woo my dearest heart! 

-Prongs

\------- 

Mssr. Prongs, 

Isn’t it precisely that kind of language that got you in trouble in the first place? 

Yours in Fellowship, 

Mssrs. Wormtail & Padfoot

\------- 

Mary, 

Decided success. Commence phase 2? 

Pete

\------- 

I dunno. Just because my parents are fucking loonies doesn’t mean I know how long to wait before you owl a girl you like? I usually just kind of sidle into them, to be honest. Never reached an “owling” level. Maybe wait a week or so, make her wait? A week’s probably good. Doesn’t show an overabundance of interest, which is a bit dickish. Also implies that there might be other, more important things to do than spend time fussing over her. This, by the way, is true. You and I haven’t spent nearly as much time swapping Firsties’ homework assignments as we ought to have. 

Also, Prongs wants to know where you are. He’s whimpering, Moony. Whimpering. 

S

\------- 

Moony where are you you’re the one who actually knows things like how Lily thinks we need you!

\------- 

Peter, 

Stage two is a go. 

-Mary

\------- 

Lily, 

So, no more poetry from Potter? How are you going to deal with that? 

-Mary

\------- 

James, 

Have you tried telling her something without poetry? 

-Moony

\------- 

Sirius, 

I am lounging in the common room reveling in the post-detention quiet. Surely Pete can come up with something? But nothing alive. Not even puppies. Because puppies are not that cute, Sirius, I don’t care what you think, it’s merely narcissism, and you aren’t a puppy anyway. 

It’s amazing how quiet the common room is when you lot aren’t here. I thought work could only be done hidden in library niches that you never dare venture into, but lo and behold, it can be done in the common room too! 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

James isn’t listening to me. And Sirius keeps poking me hoping that I will have ideas. 

Seriously, this time--I quit. 

No longer Wormtail.

\------- 

Lily, 

I apologize for the apparently painful poetry I have been inflicting on you for years. Pitiful as it may sound, it was my best effort. 

I’ll stop. 

-James

\------- 

Mary, 

He says he’s going to stop. 

I don’t know if I should get my hopes up. 

Should I get my hopes up? 

Because I don’t want to. 

Yours confusedly, 

Lily

\------- 

Mary, 

Shall commence forthwith. There’s a marauders meeting right now. Shall do my worst. 

Pete

\-------

James, 

What if you considered writing her one last sonnet? Couldn’t hurt, could it? 

Pete

\------- 

Peter, 

That is an absolutely bollocks idea. What on earth are you thinking. Ignore him, Prongs, ignore him. No more sonnets. No more Sestinas. And for fuck’s sake, no more villanelles. 

Prose is the way to go from here on out. 

Sirius

\------- 

Sirius, 

Don’t worry. I won’t. 

-James

\------- 

Wormtail, Planmaker, whatever you want to be called, 

Don’t you dare leave me to them. If you do, I will purposefully give you the wrong Transfiguration homework to copy. Please. I will shove them into the Willow for you. 

Yours most, most devotedly, 

Moony

\------- 

Remus, 

Then you too shall suffer as I have suffered these past few hours. 

Peter

\------- 

Lily, 

This is what you wanted, wasn’t it? His poetry really is awful. 

And he’s never actually lied to you before, has he? I think he’s done for good. 

-Mary

\------- 

Oh, it absolutely is. I’m just...sometimes he forgets that he promises things and then he disappoints. Like that time third year when he said that he would absolutely stop pulling my hair...but he started up again in fifth year. 

Anyway. I definitely don’t miss the poetry.

\------- 

Mary, 

The poetry’s gone. Phase 3? Or should we wait a tick to let it settle. Maybe start on the Alpha run? 

Peter

\------- 

Here’s a thought, Prongs. What happens if you pretend that Moony’s Lily and practice writing prose to him. I’m sure he’d give you helpful feedback. Just some things I come up with while not doing homework. 

Padfoot

\------- 

Mary, 

Did you start Alpha without telling me? Padfoot has already made the suggestion... 

Pete

\------- 

Pete, 

Wasn’t me. Lily needs some time to stew. 

-Mary

\------- 

Lils, 

Whatever you say, whatever you say. Lily-pad 

-Mary

\------- 

Remus, 

How does this sound? 

Lily, I think you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman with better tits than Sirius’s. Won’t you be mine? 

-James

\------- 

Prongs, 

I might lose the tits part. 

-Remus

\------- 

Padfoot, 

I am going to kill you. 

-Moony

\------- 

Pete, 

Is this torture enough? Why--and when--was I voted most in touch with Lily’s feelings? 

-Remus

\------- 

Padfoot, 

Use the Fizzing Whizzbies tonight? I need to blow off some steam on some Slytherins. 

-Prongs

\------- 

DON’T YOU FUCKING START CALLING ME LILY-PAD, MARY MACDONALD. HE ONLY JUST FUCKING STOPPED.

\------- 

Mary, 

This is a fascinating development. I propose we pause briefly to see how it goes? 

Cheers, 

Peter

\------- 

Should have come to the meeting, mate. Should have come to the meeting. How does your peace and quiet taste now? 

-S

\------- 

Lily, 

I think you might be protesting a bit too much. 

Light of my life. 

-Mary

\------- 

Peter, 

Agreed. Wouldn’t want them to do something ridiculous like get together on their own, would we? 

-Mary

\------- 

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs, 

Please do not use the Fizzing Whizzbies tonight. I am still marinating in my quiet. And the thing with the owls won’t work. Ask Pete, he’ll tell you. 

Yours most exhaustedly, 

Moony

\------- 

I am officially no longer talking to you. You can go make other friends, Mary Macdonald. 

Good day to you, Madam.

\------- 

Remus 

I’ve been disowned. Can I become a Marauder? 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

I’m afraid there’s some qualifications you don’t quite have. And you would kill Sirius before two minutes were up. 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

If Sirius can grow tits, I can grow a cock. 

-Mary

\------- 

Prongs, 

Fizzing Whizzbies are a go. 

Padfoot

\------- 

REMUS, 

THEY’RE FUCKING DOING IT. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOU TRAITOR? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE EXCEPT LOVE AND RESPECT YOU AND TRY AND GET YOU LAID? 

PETER.

\------- 

Peter, 

I tried to stop them, I swear. I knew the owls weren’t going to work. 

And you didn’t get me laid, Wormtail. That one time in Honeydukes doesn’t count, because it was a fifty year old man dressing up as a woman and not even Sirius would go for that, let alone me. Way to go, mate. 

-Remus

\------- 

Pads, 

I have acquired the ivy. 

-Prongs

\------- 

Prongs, 

Excellent. I have the fake mustaches. 

-Pads

\------- 

Pads, 

Meet in the dungeons in ten. You drag Moony, I’ve got Wormie. 

-Prongs

\------- 

James, Sirius, 

How in bloody fuck did I get blamed for this, 

I hate you both. 

From detention, 

Peter.

PS: I agree whole-heartedly. 

\------- 

Pads, 

Count it in the win column, sir. We do good work. 

-Prongs

\------- 

Dear Remus, 

I picked up your homework from Binns today. It’s sitting on your usual table. Sorry about the detention. 

Lily 

PS - I have an idea about how to get back at Potter. Discuss at dinner?

\------- 

Lily, 

I’m listening. Make it after dinner, though--James and Sirius will be at Quidditich practice, so they won’t suspect. 

-Remus

\------- 

I like the way you think, good sir. Shall be in the common room. We’ll “review Arithmancy.” That should keep unwanted lurkers away. 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

I’m bringing Pete in. We need him, trust me. 

-Remus

\------- 

Pete, 

Revenge planning, after dinner, common room. Be there. 

-Remus

\------- 

Lily, 

I don’t know what’s happening, but those are the wrong Marauders to be plotting with. You have a love-hate thing with Potter, not Lupin or Pettigrew. Stay faithful, girl. 

-Mary

\------- 

I SAID GOOD DAY, MADAM.

\------- 

Peter, 

What’s this about? 

-Mary

\------- 

Beats me. Shall keep you posted. P

\------- 

THEY ARE TRAITORS AND SHALL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED FOR IT. 

Once the boils go down. 

ARE YOU WITH ME, PADFOOT?

\------- 

I’ll take down Remus. Bodily. You should be able to take Evans and Pettigrew. 

S

\------- 

Can’t you get Lily? ~~I--I don’t want--I--~~ you get her, okay? I’ll get Pete. 

-J

\------- 

You are so whipped and you don’t even realize it. Fine. I’ll take Evans and Remus. If I die in the process, it is thoroughly your fault. You can take Pete, you pathetic pile of droppings. 

-S

\------- 

I realize it. I just wish she did. 

-J

\------- 

WAIT HOLD IT I HAVE AN IDEA.

\------- 

In regards to the revenge? Because I already picked the sprouts and everything. 

-J

\------- 

Lily, Pete, 

They’ve been quiet an awfully long time. I’d prepare to run, hex, or counterspell at any moment. James will probably go for Peter, Sirius will get me. Lily--I have no advice. I’m sorry. 

-Remus

\------- 

Prongs, 

You were supposed to take the acid, not throw it on me. 

Am in severe pain. Shall kill you when this is over. 

What have they done to us? Usually we are so good. 

Ow. 

Padfoot

\------- 

Padfoot, 

I am most severely sorry, mate. Lily was just--there, and her eyes were so---green. I don’t even know. 

Do you think we need them? 

Also, how soon are you going to be up and about? Full moon’s coming around. 

-Prongs

\------- 

Lily, 

I take my hat off to you, ma’am. An excellent use of flirtation. 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

We must do our best for the greater good of man sometimes. Also, his face was hilarious when he realized what was happening. I had no idea he would chuck the acid over his shoulder and pretend he’d never had it. 

Lily

\------- 

Prongs, 

Am not currently speaking to you because of the whole acid thing. 

Padfoot

\------- 

Sirius, 

James would like to know if you’ll be better in time for the Marauding. 

Yours in trucedom, 

Peter

\------- 

Yes, but don’t tell the little shit anything. 

-S

\------- 

He should be fine, James. Just wounded pride and ego. You know how that goes. 

-Peter

\------- 

Thank God. I did not want to be the one to tell Moony that he couldn’t go out because I’m an idiot. 

Was Lily flirting with me, or am I just imagining things? 

-J

\------- 

Lily, 

Don’t think I didn’t see those fluttering eyelashes. You might fool the boys into thinking it was just for a trick, but you only do the hair twirl when it’s for real. I see you. 

-Mary

\------- 

I SAID GOOD DAY.


	3. Chapter 3

Marauders, 

Ow. 

You did not have to step on me. Twice. 

Ow. 

Wormtail.

\------- 

It was necessary. Last night was bloody brilliant, don’t you think, Moony? Prongs? 

-S

\------- 

This is why I don’t let you guys make plans. Also, Sirius, you looked like you were enjoying snuggling with Moony a little too much. Just because you turn into a dog doesn’t mean that you have to act like one. Humping Moony’s leg was just disturbing. 

-Planmaker

\------- 

Oh not this planmaker bollocks again. We’re sorry, all right? You happy? And piss off. 

-Padfoot

\------- 

Mary, 

Is it just me or does Peter look like he’s covered in yellowing bruises? Do I want to know? 

Lily

\------- 

It was indeed brilliant. We need to come up with an even better plan for tomorrow! 

Pete, we’ll let you make it... 

-Prongs

\------- 

Marauders, 

Pete: You are not allowed to complain about hurting after a full moon. 

Sirius: I wouldn’t know, would I? 

James: Just be careful, okay? 

Yours from the hospital wing, 

Moony

\------- 

Lily, 

So you’re speaking to me again, are you? 

And sometimes discretion may be the better part of valor. I’m not sure it is this time, but it could be. 

-Mary

\------- 

Moony, 

We’re always careful. We are, dare I say it, the most careful. 

-Prongs

\------- 

Prongs, 

That is a lie. Do you want a bulleted list of counterexamples, or would you prefer a chart? 

-Moony

\------- 

I’d like a chart, Moony. I think that that will prove useful in my future of proving to James all the ways I am better than him. 

Best, 

Sirius Orion Black

\------- 

Sirius 

(see enclosed). Also, for your benefit and my own amusement in the depths of hospital wing-boredom, your own chart is also there. I’d say you’re about even in stupidity. 

-Remus

\------- 

Marauders, 

Most gracious thanks for the chart, Moony, as that reminded me of the thing in item three b that we have yet to do. All in? 

-Prongs

\------- 

Why does Potter have that evil grin on his face? Mary, what aren’t you telling me? Something bad is about to happen, isn’t it. 

-Lily

\------- 

I am not making plans that you are going to blatantly disregard. 

Also, it hurts to sit down, which is not working too well for me today. 

Oh, and, Lily’s noticed you staring at her. Being creepy about it is definitely the best way to get her to love you. 

-Peter

\------- 

Remus, 

Why does Potter keep staring at me that way? What does he have planned? 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

Sorry, he hasn’t mentioned anything to me. But I’m a bit out of commission at the moment, being ill and all, so I might be behind. 

-Remus

\------- 

Marauders (but especially Wormtail), 

It’s genius I tell you, genius! 

Pads, are you up for a supply run? 

-Prongs

\------- 

James, 

I don’t know what you’re planning, but I need you to take three deep breaths and really think about it before you commit. 

-Remus

\------- 

It’s still genius. Though maybe not the part with the wings. 

-James

\------- 

Lily, 

I don’t know. And I am afraid. Very, very, afraid. 

-Mary

\------- 

James, Sirius, 

You are the most on your own on this. Am in the library with Mary and shall remain there until after our Transfiguration test tomorrow. 

A reminder of things that Lily does tolerate: peace, quiet, respect 

A reminder of things that Lily doesn’t tolerate: poetry, noise, stupidity. 

Please use this as a rubric to assess your plans. 

Best, 

Peter

\------- 

Peter, Peter, Petrograd, 

It will all be fine. Fear not. 

Sirius

\------- 

Prongs, 

WAIT WHY ARE YOU CHANGING THE PLAN? 

Padfoot the disgruntled

\------- 

Mary.... 

Did you see who left the chocolate and roses on my bed? 

It’s not Potter’s usual style, so I don’t think it’s him. 

Unless this is what the evil grin was about. 

Lily

\------- 

Marauders, 

She’s smiling that’s good right? 

-Prongs

\------- 

Pete, 

I think we can give ourselves a pat on the back. 

-Mary

\------- 

Sirius, 

She’s wonderful, but what kind of bird appreciates chocolate more than poetry? 

-J

\------- 

Pete, 

There is no way James came up with that one on his own. 

What are you up to? 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

I have no idea what you are talking about. 

Pete

\------- 

Mary, 

THESE CHOCOLATES ARE DELICIOUS. I’d give you some, but it’s my secret admirer. 

Lily

\------- 

Remus, 

Is there any way I can enlist you to find out who left chocolate on my bed? (Without telling Potter. He’d probably freak out...) 

Ta, 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

I’m afraid I am avoiding any sort of illicit dealing after the recent debacles. I can, however, only applaud the taste of anyone who left chocolate anywhere. Clearly the best choice for wooing someone. I don’t know why he--or whoever your secret admirer is--hasn’t thought of it before. 

I hope you find out who it is soon. 

-Remus

\------- 

Mary, 

Remus suspects. We should back down for a while. 

Peter

\------- 

Prongs, 

How come you never leave chocolate on my bed? 

Sirius

\------- 

James, 

It took you seven bloody years to come up with chocolate? Everyone knows chocolate is the trump card. Haven’t you met me? I could have told you that years ago. Really, you’re ridiculous. 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME SOONER!?!?!?! 

-James

\------- 

You never asked. 

-Remus

\------- 

I think my asking was bloody well implied after seven years. What else do you have locked in that Moony-brain of yours? 

-J

\------- 

James, 

More chocolate. Sincere compliments--not, and I repeat not--poetry or anything poetic. Nothing too sexual. Those things I’ve been muttering under my breath for the past four years. 

Now leave me alone to wallow in post-moon misery. 

-Remus

\------- 

Moony, 

Stop getting James’ hopes up. I have a shrewd suspicion that he will fall very hard this time, and then what will happen? Don’t come crying to me when he blames you. 

Padfoot

\------- 

Sirius, 

Because it would end up melted on my bed. but don’t worry, you’ll always be my best girl. 

-James

\------- 

Peter, 

Don’t be silly. We can push. He doesn’t know anything. 

It’s working... 

-Mary

\------- 

J, 

That won’t get me to let you touch my tits if McGonagall ever lets me put them back. Am saving them for someone who knows how to treat a girl right. Like Moony. Since he cottoned on in about first year and you only just realized how chocolate works. 

-S.

\------- 

Lily, 

I hear you have chocolate. Sharing is caring? 

Sirius

\------- 

POTTER, DID YOU LEAVE CHOCOLATE ON MY BED?

\------- 

Dear Mary, 

If you can’t find me today, it is because I am disposing of Sirius’ body. Are we back to square one? 

Peter

\------- 

Lily, 

Is there any answer I can make that won’t make you mad? 

-James

\------- 

SIRIUS YOU BLOODY FUCKING IDIOT

\------- 

Padfoot, 

At this point, I’ll try anything. If he crashes and burns maybe he’ll give up at last. I am willing to sacrifice myself for that great day. 

Or who knows, maybe it’ll work? She hasn’t been yelling at him as much in the last few days. Maybe the chocolate’s made her mellow. Never doubt the magical properties of chocolate. 

Speaking of chocolate...Is there a Honeydukes run planned anytime soon? I’m out and I need to finish my DADA essay. Grab some if you’re there? 

-Moony

\------- 

Pete, 

Want something from Honeydukes? I’m making a run. 

-Sirius

\------- 

Pete, 

Don’t kill him just yet. She’s smiling. 

-Mary

\------- 

Moony, 

Chocolate enclosed in parcel on bed. Unless Wormtail saw it. Best hope he didn’t. 

Also, Prongs has a spring in his step. Any clue as to why? He isn’t speaking to me at the moment, except to call me names. 

-Padfoot

\------- 

James, 

Thank you they were quite tasty. I particularly enjoyed the ones with seasalt. And the almond nougat ones. 

-Lily

\------- 

Mary, 

He’s sighing. A lot. It’s making it bloody hard to work on Charms. And I can’t tell if it’s the good kind of sigh or the bad kind of sigh. 

It makes me want to sigh, but I can’t on principle. 

Is she still smiling? It might make all this worth it. 

-Peter

\------- 

Pete, 

She’s still smiling. I think you may not have to listen to the sighing much longer... 

-Mary

\------- 

Sirius, 

Alas, chocolate all gone. V. tasty though. You should get some. 

-Lily

\------- 

Sirius, 

Thank you very much. I can now proceed with life. I did, however, notice that the seasalt ones were gone. Your payment? Or should I harass Wormtail? 

I may have noticed a scrap of parchment with suspiciously female handwriting on it in Prongs’ possession. I am much too moral to steal and read it. 

However, if one were so inclined, one might observe that it is in the drawer of his trunk, and he patrols nearly every evening at 9 PM. 

-Remus

\------- 

PADFOOT YOU WANKER GIVE IT BACK!

\------- 

Moony and Wormtail and NOT PADFOOT 

More chocolate? What other tributes of my love can I make? Still no flowers, right? 

-Prongs

\------- 

I always default to more chocolate. 

-Moony

\------- 

James, 

I’d stick with chocolate. I think that Hyacinths might be too soon. You might not want to let her know just how much you know about her. Favorite flowers are a bit creepy, after all, if they happen too soon. 

Peter

\------- 

Lily, 

Still enjoying the chocolate? (That should be said with waggling eyebrows and possibly a lascivious wink) 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

Shut up. 

Lily

\------- 

Moony (& Peter) 

Enclosed is the letter I found in James’ trunk. 

Very saucy. 

By which I mean not saucy. 

It’s just thanking him for chocolate. 

Also, Lily sent me chocolate. Isn’t that kind of her? 

-Padfoot

\------- 

Dear James, 

Thank you for the second batch of chocolate. I did enjoy the orange peel ones, though I will confess to not having tried the ones encasing cockroach clusters. Sent those to Sirius, for, as he says, “Sharing is Caring” and he was so very sad to miss out on the last batch. 

-Lily

\------- 

I TAKE IT BACK. SHE’S A VILE BITCH. 

How does one wash away the taste of cockroach clusters? Do we still have firewhisky? 

Blech.

\------- 

Prongs, 

She’s vile. Don’t trust her. 

Padfoot.

\------- 

Mary, 

He’s still sighing. Though it’s definitely the good kind. 

Peter

\------- 

MARY HE SENT ME HYACINTHS HOW DID HE KNOW? 

!!! 

Lily 

PS 

Shut up.

\------- 

Peter, 

Well done, sir. 

-Mary 

\------- 

Lily, 

Why did you send him chocolate! You’re rewarding bad behavior and that’s not a good thing! 

Even if it did make him gag which, hats off to you. 

I’m glad you’re enjoying the chocolate. 

-James

\------- 

Padfoot, 

This is your just punishment for stealing the note. Note that I, who had nothing to do with, am not currently trying to scrape a layer of skin off my tongue. Of course, I also wouldn’t have been taken in by cockroach cluster-wrapped chocolates. 

Chocolate-novice. 

-Moony

\------- 

Lily, 

I should hope after basically stalking you for 7 years he knows your favorite flowers. 

-Mary

\------- 

Chocolate novice, huh? 

We’ll see about that. 

-Padfoot.

\------- 

Mary, 

If I could send you a flourishing bow, I would. 

And, of course, if it were not for you, all this would be moot anyway. 

Peter

\------- 

Oh James, 

I know how to handle Sirius Black. 

Watch and Learn, 

Lily.

\------- 

WHY DOES EVERYTHING I EAT TURN INTO COCKROACH CLUSTERS.


	4. Chapter 4

Padfoot, 

Just apologize already, okay? Moony’s starting to do that thing where he hides in a corner of the library and doesn’t come out even if we use chocolate. He hasn’t been like this since fifth year. I’m not even sure he’s leaving his books to eat. 

-Prongs

\------- 

Remus, 

Dinner? The house elves promised chocolate cake for dessert... 

-James

\------- 

Lily, 

Have you spoken to Remus lately? 

-James

\------- 

For the last fucking time, it’s not my fucking fault. 

Why does everyone blame me for everything. This one is completely on him. 

-Sirius

\------- 

Mary, 

This does not bode well for Action-Plan Gamma. 

Please advise. 

Peter

\------- 

James, 

I haven’t spoken to him lately. I haven’t seen him since our prefect’s meeting on Tuesday. What’s going on? 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

I have no idea. That’s what worries me. Sirius is insisting it’s not his fault, and he usually owns up to things pretty quickly. And he’s never not told me before. If you hear anything, let me know? At least get Remus to eat something. 

-James

\------- 

Remus, 

A large box of chocolate for your thoughts. Alternatively, we can pour soapy water into the gargoyle on the third floor and watch it piss bubbles again. 

Pete

\------- 

Pete, 

Any luck with Remus? All I can figure out is they were in the room, Sirius was yelling, and then Remus left and has barely been back since. Got anything else? 

-James

\------- 

Remus, 

I don’t know what happened, but you have to make good, okay? Sirius says its not his fault and who knows if thats true or not, but he’s doing his Black-thing and I can’t calm him down. What happened? Is there anything I can do to help? 

-James

\------- 

James, 

It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine. Sirius is just a prat. Thank you for asking. 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

Are you okay? I’m perfectly willing to hex Black into oblivion for you. 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

Thanks for the offer, but that won’t be necessary. 

-Remus

\------- 

Pete, 

I have no ideas, except make it stop. Before Black actually explodes from excess energy and sulking. How does he manage to do both at once? 

-Mary

\------- 

Sirius, 

Help on transfiguration? I’m dying here. 

-Peter

\------- 

W- 

Yeah, fine. Whatever. 

Am behind the mirror on the third floor. 

-S

\------- 

James, 

Any news? 

He wasn’t at Rounds tonight. Not sure what to do about it. 

Lily

\------- 

James, 

He (Sirius) is tight-lipped. Remus is going to have to do the talking. I have a plan. Seeing if it’ll work out. 

Peter

\------- 

Pete, 

Meet by the gargoyle? (Although I might need the chocolate too). 

-Remus

\------- 

James, 

I need to talk to you. 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

Are you breaking up with me? 

After dinner? Are you finally going to say what happened? We’ve been worried, mate. Even Sirius has. 

-James

\------- 

SIRIUS YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER PRAT. SCREW YOUR FUCKING HEAD ON STRAIGHT. 

\------- 

Lily, 

I found out what it is. Sirius is an ass. I can’t say more without saying more than Remus would like, but I think I can handle this now. Just...be nice to Remus, okay? He’s going through some tougher stuff than I thought and he might need girl-sympathy. And no, that’s not sexist, stop making that face--there are certain forms of crying-on-shoulders that a bloke just can’t do. 

-James

\------- 

James and Peter, 

I just wanted to express my most sincere gratitude about how you took my news. Obviously it isn’t an easy thing for certain of my friends to deal with, and you two reacting so well is really great. I’m sorry for the un-Boy’s Club like feelings here, but it needs to be said. Thanks. Again. 

-Remus

\------- 

Prongs, 

What do you think. Shall we draw and quarter him on the morrow? Or perhaps make him sing Carmina Burana to his brother? 

Yours in fraternity, 

Wormtail

\------- 

Mary, 

James being v. cryptic. 

Lily

\------- 

James, 

I’m here for whatever crying-on-shoulders support you prats can’t manage. Glad that things are maybe ok? It might be better if you let him know that? I don’t want to intrude, but am here for him. 

Lily

\------- 

Dear James, 

When did I turn into the bloody whipping boy? 

I will confess to having been a bit over the line. I am in the process of trying to write Remus a letter about that. But I don’t need you to make me feel more like a shit than I do already, ok? Just because I said things doesn’t mean that I had no reason for saying them. I didn’t mean to hurt him, that’s for bloody sure. It’s not my fault that he overreacted to my overreaction. Additionally, whatever you and Pete are planning (I can see you, you know. I am sitting right behind you) isn’t actually going to do anything. Pranking me doesn’t make whatever is happening easier, and it won’t make me change how I acted, or necessarily what I am thinking. It’ll just make you feel better in the short minutes before you understand me. 

So Piss off, 

Black.

\------- 

Dear Remus, 

Look, 

I didn’t mean it. Not all of it. I--you know me--sometimes I just say things without thinking on them. I freaked. Not an excuse, obviously. 

You know that you mean more to me than that, right? 

Sirius

\------- 

James, 

Spoke with Remus last night during rounds. At first I thought let’s kill Black, but I don’t think that ultimately that will be helpful. Can I propose instead that I try and talk to him? I don’t live with him, so he will have to explain himself more to me? 

Or does he still think that I’m a vile, evil bitch for the cockroach thing? Or the thistle thing? 

He does hold a grudge, doesn’t he? 

Lily

\------- 

Sirius, 

You know that moment when your friends suddenly know a life-changing secret that could possibly make them hate you forever? No, you don’t, really. I’ve done it twice. And both times, you--any of you--who are my first real friends since I was 8--could have, most likely would have, told me that I could go jump in the lake for all they cared. So forgive me for being a little jumpy about it. 

And yes, maybe I should have told you all sooner. But you already didn’t hate me for--that other thing. How could I risk it again? 

We should probably actually do this in person, for all I’m far more articulate on paper. Do you think you can stop the freak out for that long? 

-Remus

\------- 

R, 

In my bloody defence, we knew that something dodgy was going on with you being a werewolf for a while. This one was rather a surprise. Especially after that whole Calysta thing. Was that her name? 

-S

\------- 

Sirius, 

It was Clarissa. Just because I didn’t go on about her like James does about Lily doesn’t mean you didn’t know that. And what, a bloke’s not allowed to like both? 

-Remus

\------- 

Lily, 

They’re talking. I think we’re in the clear. But thanks for being understanding and all. Your talking might help--Merlin knows mine hasn’t. Can’t hurt to try, if it might make them get their shit together. 

-James

\------- 

Sirius, 

I’m--no, I’m not sorry, You shouldn’t have reacted like that. You know how Remus gets when telling life altering secrets. I spent all of second year expecting him to go curl up in a corner if he said no to anything we did. But we didn’t prank you, did we? Because you apparently screwed your head back on straight. (and because Remus told us not to, but that’s a different story). Even though it would have made me feel better. 

I think some steam may need to be blown off, for all of us. As soon as you and Moony get yourselves together, Marauders pow-wow! 

-James

\------- 

Lily, 

Was the Remus-being-gay thing supposed to be a secret? Because I’ve wondered since 3rd year. With maybe a little bit of wishing because my orgy idea is now back on! 

-Mary

\------- 

Hello P&W, 

So, Moony the big gay werewolf. Yeah. Cool. 

I think we should get him a big chocolate cake or something. Oh, all right, I’ll do it. Why are you chaps looking at me like that? What’s going on?

\------- 

I hate you both. 

My brother doesn’t even know what Carmina Burana is. Lily had to explain it to him. Which was amusing. 

In short, I hate you both.

\------- 

Prongs and Wormtail, 

Okay, that was funny. And did make me feel better. 

-Moony

\------- 

told you it would 

-James

\------- 

Wish we could have made him have tits for it. But McGonagall would have chucked the book at us so fast... 

Ahh well. 

Pete

\------- 

SIRIUS IS NEVER HAVING TITS AGAIN. 

I can’t confuse my sexuality like that. 

-James

\------- 

Welcome to the bloody club, mate 

-Remus

\------- 

Sirius, 

Sorry about the Carmina Burana thing. They could have at least improved your singing voice so that people wouldn’t laugh so hard. 

All things considered, I thought it was very nice though. 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

Piss off. 

-Sirius

\------- 

Lily, 

WAIT, I TAKE IT BACK, DON’T PISS OFF. I’ve had enough pranking of late. I don’t need more from you. 

-Sirius

\------- 

James, 

I will have you know that I think I have gotten Sirius Black to heel. If you need anything ever (within reason) let me know and I will work my magic. 

Lily

\------- 

Mary, 

Have trained Sirius, so the impossible is possible. Do you think that I could possibly train James? It would be nice to turn him into a decent person. 

And Shut Up. 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

~~I’ve always known you’re a special kind of magic.~~

What constitutes as within reason? 

-James

\------- 

Lily, 

It’s cute how you think you haven’t trained him already. 

-Mary


	5. Chapter 5

Peter, 

Plan Alpha is doing well. Action-Plan Gamma is a go? 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

Library, 10:30 when S&J are at Quidditch. 

(Bring Lily?) 

Pete

\------- 

James, 

~~Would you like to~~ There’s a Hogsmeade Weekend coming up. ~~If you’d like If you don’t have plans~~ Would you like to meet up in the Three Broomsticks for a drink? 

Lily

\------- 

MARY 

I MIGHT HAVE JUST ASKED JAMES OUT. PLEASE ADVISE. 

LILY

\------- 

Marauders, 

AAAAAAAAAAAH 

SWEET SUCCESS AT LAST 

SHE HAS FINALLY GIVEN IN TO MY CHARMS 

OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I DO A DATE!

\------- 

Mary, 

Enclosed is the note I received in Charms. You might want to warn her. 

Pete

\------- 

Lily, 

you’ve opened the pandora’s box. Now you just have to run for it. Or maybe take it for a spin. You know, try it out (wink wink). 

And remember that James is just a frail male, and may be a little overwhelmed by you finally accepting him. 

-Mary

\------- 

So, what you’re saying is I should wear the blue shirt with the low neckline? 

Lily

\------- 

You are a devious, devious girl who may give him a heart attack. 

Have I told you lately how much I love you? 

-Mary

\------- 

James, 

I’d say not going insane is a start. You know, acting like a human being. 

-Remus

\------- 

Mary, 

I propose we too get a pint to observe. This will also be good for Action-Plan Gamma, since they will be sans third wheel. 

Pete

\------- 

They may need supervision, its true. And I want to see Potter’s head explode. 

And if James is the third wheel, what are you? 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

I meant that I would be the third wheel while J&L are off on their own. 

Pete

\------- 

It’s true. But watching Gamma get together would be so much hotter... 

-Mary

\------- 

Seriously, mates. HELP. I can’t fuck this one up. 

\------- 

Padfoot, Wormtail, 

Are we going to actually have to dress James for this? Because I’m not sure he can breathe on his own right now. 

-Moony 

\------- 

Moony, 

You’re the one who has the fashion sense. I bow out. Also know that he’s going to be standing around in his pants for hours deciding which trousers look best, and there’s only so much of that I can handle in my lifetime. 

Have fun. 

-S

\------- 

Mary, 

That might be the case for you, but at the moment, Alpha is so close to fruition we can’t leave it be. It might collapse like a flan in a cupboard. 

See you at the Three Broomsticks. 

Pete

\------- 

Padfoot, 

Are you implying that simply because I happen to be attracted to people of my own gender I have a fashion sense? You’re the Black! You have these sorts of things bred into you. I wear trousers with ripped hems. He’s all yours. 

-Moony 

PS- Pete has mysterious errands to run this trip, apparently. I’m assuming you want the usual plan to buy out Zonko’s?

\------- 

How much you want to bet he’s going to be spying on Lily and James to make sure all his little plans come true? You know he’s been planning this. I can see it in everything he says. Also, obviously Zonko’s. I don’t know what I would do without you, Moony. 

-S

\------- 

God, you’re right. And there’s no way Gamma will happen so soon after Sirius’s little freakout. 

-Mary

\------- 

Oh, absolutely. He thinks he’s being secretive but I’ve seen him and Mary plotting. 

If James is with Lily, and Pete watching them from behind a pint... Well, that would imply that the Invisibility Cloak is just sitting there in James’ trunk, unused, doesn’t it? 

I want to see how much James spontaneously combusts. How about you? 

-Remus

\------- 

NO BUT SERIOUSLY GET UP HERE WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?

\------- 

Clothes might be a start there, James. 

Peter

\------- 

Mary, 

Get up here. I need skirt advice. Short or modest? (Bear in mind busty top.) 

Lily

\------- 

I’ll be up in a few minutes. But I’d go modest--you don’t want him to actually explode. 

-Mary 

\------- 

Madam, 

It has been lovely doing business with you. On to bigger and better projects, I say. 

Yours in perpetuity, 

Peter G. Pettigrew

\------- 

Sir, 

Indeed it has. I think we both deserve a large round of applause. 

So does James. That saving her from a mysterious spilling butterbeer was smooth. 

-Mary

\------- 

I am going to kill you all. I know what it looks like when people are beneath the cloak, even when someone (ahem, Padfoot), doesn’t knock over a tray of butterbeer onto Lily. I don’t need your supervision! 

Do you think it went well? I think it did. She seemed like she had a good time, right? 

-James

\------- 

Mary, 

Don’t know where the hell you are. Must talk girl things now. 

Also, is there something going on with you and Peter? I saw you two at the pub looking very chummy. 

Lily

\------- 

Lils, 

To the girl talk! My favorite part. 

And there are many sneaky things going on between me and Peter, none of them romantic. Come on, he’s a cool guy, but I could do better. That Ravenclaw beater’s been giving me the eye. 

-Mary

\------- 

James, 

Yes, she looked like she was having a good time. Though I wouldn’t know because I most certainly wasn’t there. Would I ever steal the Cloak from you? 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

No, but you’d get Sirius to do it for you. Don’t think I don’t know your sneaky gay werewolf ways, Remus John Lupin. 

-James

\------- 

James, 

Please don’t write those things down. If someone found them... 

And we all know no one can get Sirius to do anything he doesn’t want. 

-Remus

\------- 

You can. He wouldn’t have thought of the cloak on his own. 

-J

\------- 

I will have you know that I resent this entire conversation. 

Also, twas v. clearly Pettigrew who had it. Moony and I were at Zonko’s, buying enough dung bombs to make it impossible to air out the Slytherin common room. 

-S

\------- 

I was with Mary. I wouldn’t have shown her the cloak. Don’t be ridiculous. 

Pete

\------- 

Sirius, 

If you resent the conversation, maybe you shouldn’t have taken the notes to read them. Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves (or eavesreaders, I suppose) 

-Remus

\------- 

All of you can’t lie worth a damn. 

And the Cloak had butterbeer stains on it. 

And can we go back to the I HAD A DATE WITH LILY EVANS AND DIDN’T FUCK IT UP point! 

-J

\------- 

Yes, yes. Congratulations.

We’re all very happy for you

Potter, if you don’t stop talking about it, we’ll let Evans know what happened to her pants in third year.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily, 

Would you care to accompany me on a tour of the grounds this evening? 

-James 

PS: We can stay in well lit places if you want 

PPS: Or not, if that’s what you want. 

PPPS: Ignore the last two postscripts, please. 

\------- 

James, 

I would be delighted. Best stick to the dark places--we wouldn’t want to be found after hours. 

-Lily

\------- 

MARY, 

SEE NOTE SITTING ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE. 

DID I JUST CONSENT TO DARK MIDNIGHT WANDERINGS WITH POTTER? WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO MY BRAIN? 

V. CONCERNED. CONTEMPLATING HOSPITAL WING. PLEASE CONFIRM I MIGHT STILL HAVE ALL OF MY FACILITIES BEFORE I GO. 

LILY

\------- 

Lily, 

Sexy things have gotten into your brain. Sexy, sexy things. I applaud you. 

-Mary

\------- 

Sirius, 

(see enclosed). Hah. Bloody well hah. 

-James

\------- 

Mary, 

You are asleep so I leave you this gem for when you awaken in four hours time. 

Potter is a very good kisser, considering he has never had a girlfriend. 

Also, do you know a good bruise reducer (you saucy minx, you?) 

Elated, 

Lily

\------- 

Pads and Moons, 

I propose we don’t warn James about the massive hicky on his neck. Should prove entertaining. Also, he probably wants to wear it as a badge of honor. 

Consent? 

Worms

\------- 

McGonagall might not approve--he is head boy.

-Moony

\------- 

McGonagall is no fun. 

She didn’t let me keep my tits. 

-S

\------- 

No one wanted you to keep your tits but you, Sirius. 

I won’t say anything unless he asks. Satisfactory?

-Remus

\------- 

Agreed. Also, he bruises like a Banana, that one. Or Evans is mighty forceful. I suspect the former. 

-S

\------- 

Lily, 

Well done, ma’am! Of course I know the spell, but don’t you think Potter might want to see his good work for a while? Let him bask. 

-Mary

\------- 

Marauders all, 

Why is everyone giving me funny looks? Even McGonagall didn’t meet my eyes in Transfiguration. 

-James

\------- 

No idea. 

Pete

\------- 

Have you looked in a mirror today? 

-Remus

\------- 

James, 

I have some foundation if you would like. Didn’t realize that had happened. 

Sorry. 

xx 

Lily

\------- 

You could have said something sooner, men! Where is the Marauders solidarity? 

Do you think everyone knows its from Lily? 

-J

\------- 

Lily, 

Just saw James in DADA. And again, well done, ma’am. 

-Mary

\------- 

Mate, 

I think everyone in the entire bloody school knows about your “waiting-til-Lily” plans. So probably, yes. 

-S

\------- 

Well there is no more waiting because I have arrived, good sir! 

I have a girlfriend. 

And you don’t. 

And I have a girlfriend. Who is Lily Evans. Lily Evans is my girlfriend. My girlfriend is Lily Evans. 

-J

\------- 

Can we gag him? I can probably find a spell that stops him from ever saying the word ‘girlfriend’ again. 

-Remus

\------- 

We might want to leave that to Lily. I’m sure she’d enjoy it in some kinky way. So would James, too, come to think of it. 

-S

\------- 

THAT WAS SOMETHING I DIDN’T EVER WANT TO THINK ABOUT. THANKS YOU MORON. 

PETER

\------- 

Mary, 

Is it too much to wear the black bra under the white school shirt today? Should I do my usual turn-into-a-tramp the second I start dating someone? 

I know, I know. Potter will explode. 

I want him to. 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

You know I am always for trampiness. I can lend you my specially thin shirt, if you want. 

-Mary

\------- 

M, 

Beautiful. 

L

\------- 

Moony, 

He’s going to be unbearable. 

Can we hide in the library tonight so we don’t have to listen to him gushing? I’d almost rather go snog Snivellus than deal with him. 

Padfoot

\------- 

Sirius, 

I’m not sure which worries me more, the snogging Snape or the fleeing to the library. Is having to share James somehow causing brain damage? 

I’m still rooting for the gagging. 

-Remus

\------- 

We can discuss in the library. Pete says he has detention. Wonder what for. He didn’t update the chalkboard.

\------- 

He has his planning face on. I’m a bit worried. Maybe he’s trying to make sure James gets into Lily’s pants? Not that it seems like he’s going to have a problem with that. 

-Remus

\------- 

Mary, 

Action-Plan Gamma is a go. They’re going to be alone in the library tonight. Told them I had detention. 

Pete

\------- 

Finally! And a perfect place. Everyone knows Remus’s sexy place is the library. 

Meet to plan sometime? 

-Mary

\------- 

While they are in the library. Come up to our dorm. Should be nice and empty. 

Pete

\------- 

MARY, 

SORRY ABOUT THAT. DID NOT REALIZE THERE WOULD BE SEXY THINGS IN THE DORM. 

Also, Lily moves bloody fast. 

Pete

\------- 

YOU FUCKING COCKBLOCK PETER PETTIGREW. I AM MAKING RAT STEW TONIGHT

\------- 

Mary, 

You saw nothing and that never happened. 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

Oh, it happened. I still need a glass of cold water whenever I think about it. Or some nice alone time. 

Are you sure we can’t convince them into an orgy? You have special girlfriend powers of convincing now! 

-Mary

\------- 

I remind you that an orgy will be distinctly less fun now that Remus is not a possible option for you. It leaves you with Black and Pettigrew, and I don’t know if you would particularly want either of them. 

Also, it leaves Remus out. Which is not fair. 

Lily

\------- 

Remus is bi, he’s still an option. And I wouldn’t mind Black for a night. He’s an idiot, but a damn good-looking one. Have you seen him shirtless? 

And I’d be willing to step aside to watch the boys go at it. That’d be enough for me. 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

What now? 

Lily

\------- 

Oh, not your boy, you can have him. And not Peter, obviously, who’d want to watch him? But the other two... Come on, you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed? Or has Potter-love blinded you? 

-Mary

\------- 

Oh. My. God. 

Lily

\------- 

So I take it you approve? 

-Mary

\------- 

Remus, 

Why is Lily staring at us? What have I done now. I don’t want to incur her wrath again. 

Sirius

\------- 

Lily, 

Why do you have that evil smile on your face? Should I be nervous? 

Sirius

\------- 

Sirius, 

I have no idea. Its not just you, it’s both of us, and I definitely haven’t done anything. Shall we quietly excuse ourselves before she pounces? 

-Remus

\------- 

Peter, 

Lily’s in for Action-Plan Gamma 

-Mary

\------- 

Excellent. 

Peter


	7. Chapter 7

James, 

Why does Lily keep on giving me odd looks? You haven’t said anything, have you? She’s wonderful, but--don’t, please? 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

Of course I didn’t say anything. I wouldn’t. Your furry little problem is your own. I have no idea what’s happening--are you stealing my girlfriend, you sneaky gay furry problem-ed person? 

-James

\------- 

Lily, 

Come now, a little subtlety! 

-Mary

\------- 

Sorry! I see it everywhere now! We have to do something! 

Lily

\------- 

Remus, Peter, 

How do we get Prongs and Lily out of the room? It’s bloody annoying not to be allowed in one’s dormitory if one forgets important school items. 

I propose Stinksap, and lots of it. Maybe we soak Prongs’ pants in the stuff? 

-Sirius

\------- 

You all never listen to me anyways, so I’m sitting this one out. 

Peter

\------- 

Peter, Sirius, 

Don’t lump me in with the lunkheads that are Prongs and Padfoot. Clearly, Sirius needs you to come up with something better than Stinksap, which would make our stuff gross too. 

Has anyone considered talking with James? 

-Remus 

PS: Sirius, since when do you care about school items? It’s not like you ever use your own parchment. 

\------- 

Mary, 

On behalf of the seventh year boys not currently “shagging like rabbits” (Sirius Black, looking over my shoulder as I write this), how empty would you say your dorm is of an afternoon? 

-Remus (and Sirius, and Peter)

\------- 

Assorted boys, 

No more than most, I’d say. Why? 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

Am concerned. Getting looks of dire nature from James’ roommates. Should I be concerned? 

Lily

\------- 

R, S, 

Here’s my thought. Us pulling something on James will end badly because apparently Lily has an innate talent for making us (well, mostly Sirius) absolutely miserable. So maybe we try the mature route? Ask them to shag in secret passageways like most self-respecting students? 

Pete

\------- 

Remus, 

I think he’s going soft. 

I do not approve. 

Though he makes a strong point about Lily and making me miserable. Why does Prongs have to date her? Make them stop. 

Sirius

\------- 

Remus, 

Don’t make them stop. James is v. annoyed at me for that last sentence. Though he really should know better than to read someone’s private notes over their shoulders. Clearly he learned no manners from his delightful parents. 

Sirius

\------- 

Sirius, 

I’m flattered you think I could make them stop. Not that I would, James, if you’re reading this, which you probably are. 

Has it occured to anyone else that our lives may overlap a little too much? 

-Remus

\------- 

Sirius, 

Why would I use passageways when your bed is so much more comfortable? 

And that, my dear fellow, is revenge for the Slug Incident of fifth year. 

-James

\------- 

JAMES, 

GO DIE IN A FIRE. AND TAKE HER WITH YOU. AM HEXING MY BED NOW. SHALL SLEEP IN REMUS’ UNTIL YOU BACK OFF. 

SIRIUS

\------- 

Lily, 

Concern is probably a good default for when Marauders start giving you Looks. I might begin inspecting all food for poisons, just in case. 

-Mary

\------- 

R, 

What do you mean, our lives overlap a little too much? 

-S

\------- 

Sirius, 

I put on my gloves today realized they were actually James’s, grabbed a quill from Pete’s trunk that I’m sure started out as mine, and in Transfiguration, I take out two sheets of parchment with the full expectation that you will take one. I write notes to James assuming you and Pete will read them too. It’s somewhere between a commune and a hive. 

Not complaining, mind, obviously. It’s just--I wonder about next year, sometimes. What’ll be like without it. 

-Remus

\------- 

S, 

With Remus in it or without him? 

-J

\------- 

J, 

Well, he is snuggly. I don’t think I’d mind it if he were there. 

You are not allowed though. 

Back off. 

And stay off my bed, or you will regret it. 

-Sirius

\------- 

Sirius Orion Black, 

Moron. 

Am in the hospital wing. 

Expect punishment forthwith. 

Lily Evans

\------- 

Lily, 

What did I bloody do this time? 

Sirius

\------- 

You know what you did.

\------- 

I really bloody don’t.

\------- 

I sat on your bed to re-tie my sneaker and it attacked me. 

Expect punishment forthwith. 

Lily Evans

\------- 

Mary, 

Saw a note. He thinks Remus is ‘snuggly’. 

Oh boy. 

Pete

\------- 

YOU ATTACKED MY GIRLFRIEND PADS, PREPARE TO PAY

\------- 

Pete, 

Emergency Situation 3c. Enact plan G? 

-Remus

\------- 

Lily, 

On behalf of me and Pete, please don’t kill Sirius. He’s a wanker, but he’s amusing and we’ve gotten rather fond of him, however unwilling that might have been. 

Best wishes for your returned health, 

Remus

\------- 

Pete, 

Remus is ‘rather fond of him’. This bodes well. 

-Mary

\------- 

Remus, 

Shall consider once the swelling goes down. 

-Lily

\------- 

Dear Lily, 

I am sorry you are swollen and sad. Please make James stop pinching me under the desk. It’s painful and probably not appropriate. 

Sirius

\------- 

S, 

MWHAHAHA! My revenge is swift and painful. 

-J

\------- 

Remus, 

James keeps pinching me. It hurts. Have little bruises all over my side. Make him stop. Or make them go away. 

Sirius

\------- 

Sirius, 

Have you learned your lesson about curses that can backfire and hit innocents? Good. Now give this note to James. James, stop pinching Sirius so he stops whining to me about it. 

And Sirius, I know you know anti-bruising charms. You’ve worked them on me often enough (yes, I have in fact noticed bruises going down faster than they should once I get back from the hospital wing). 

-Remus

\------- 

It’s not the same when you do it to yourself though. 

-S

\------- 

Mary, 

I’m just reading everything into everything. Action-Plan Gamma needs to go down. And soon. 

Pete

\------- 

James, 

Thank you very much for the chocolate. It has made the hospital wing bearable. Also, Remus says you aren’t allowed to pinch Sirius anymore. I think that that’s too soon to let him forget. 

Thoughts? 

Lily

\------- 

Lily, 

I’m glad you liked the chocolate. Remus made a very good case about stopping pinching Sirius, based mainly on blackmail and his only helping me choose the chocolate if I promised to stop. I think he’s getting sick of Sirius dragging him away to cast anti-bruising spells. But if it’s important to you, I will continue! 

-James

\------- 

Pete, 

I agree. They’ve started disappearing at odd hours. It is time to go into overdrive. 

-Mary 


	8. Chapter 8

Sirius, 

No, I cannot just give the first years detention for annoying you by being squeaky. You know that. We’ve had that talk. 

-Remus 

PS- And no framing them for anything. I will know. I always know. 

\------- 

R, 

You didn’t know last year when I framed the Ravenclaw Third Years for making inappropriate gestures at James during quidditch practice. 

Ha. 

-S

\------- 

Sirius, 

Or maybe I just found it too clever a frame job to expose. 

-Remus 

\------- 

R, 

Thank you. I do weddings and funerals as well. 

-S

\------- 

Mary, Lily, 

I think...I think they might be flirting? 

What do we do? We never planned for flirting. 

Pete

\------- 

Cor, that’s weird. 

-Lily

\------- 

Pete, 

When in doubt, there is only one solution. 

-Mary

\------- 

Gryffindor Seventh Years Hello, 

I propose Alcohol on Friday Night. 

Yours Truly, 

Peter

\------- 

Mary, 

Is he planning your orgy? 

Lily

\------- 

Oh god please yes. But no. You wanted something to happen--look to the masters. 

-Mary

\------- 

Pete, 

Is there any way this is going to end well? 

-Remus

\------- 

Remus, 

Yes. 

Peter 

\------- 

Can you please not buy crap alcohol this time? I still can’t get the taste of that cheap russian shit out of my mouth. Just some Ogden’s Old would be excellent. Alternatively some mead. 

-S

\------- 

Sirius, you’re on booze duty (I know it’s your plan, Pete, but he’s got taste). Pete, you’re on set up and publicity. I’ll deal with McGonagall and getting the little ones away. Remus--just get there. Sirius, you’re also on making sure Remus is coming to the party duty. 

-James

\------- 

I don’t need a keeper. I can make it to a party on my own. 

-Remus

\------- 

You’d hide in the library if you had half a chance. We’re not giving you that chance. 

-J

\------- 

Mary, 

James is such a useful pawn. I think I shall keep him. 

Peter

\------- 

HEY I SAW THAT PETER PETTIGREW AND THAT’S NOT NICE. 

Lily

\------- 

You cannot deny the truth to my words, Lily. I mean, look at him. He literally put Sirius on “making sure Remus is coming.” If that’s not pawnship, I don’t know what is. 

Peter

\------- 

Fair point, that. 

Lily

\------- 

No Pete, James is Lily’s pawn now. Sorry. 

-Mary 

\------- 

Sirius, 

In order for you to best execute your “make sure Remus is coming to the party” job, I would like to inform you that I will be in the library for the better part of today, and you can come bully me upstairs into your debauchery whenever is most convenient. 

-Remus

\------- 

Expect me at 9:30. I’ve given you fair warning. Don’t pull your “in the middle of an essay” shit with me. 

And you know you enjoy my debauchery. 

-S

\------- 

What if I am in the middle of an essay? 

-Remus

\------- 

Not my problem. 

-S

\------- 

Marauders (and others) Assemble!

\------- 

Action-Plan Gamma stage three is on, men! Battlestations everyone! 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, Pete. 

Where are they? 

I can’t find them. 

Lily

\------- 

She’s bloody useful that one. Snogging in a corner with her boyfriend. Sheesh. 

Though she raises a good point. Where are they? 

Pete.

\------- 

It’s not like Sirius to miss a party. 

You don’t think... 

-Mary

\------- 

Okay, I know you all think I’m thick, but I can notice notes being passed under my nose. Remus was going to spend all day in the library. That’s probably where they are. 

-James, who can in fact see the obvious when it is right in front of him

\------- 

(Sorry. Hard to be subtle about notes when one is snogging. 

Lily)

\------- 

Good information, though. Peter, would you care to accompany me to the library? 

-Mary

\------- 

Don’t mind if I do, my dear Mary.

\------- 

Lily, 

My life is officially complete. I can now die happy. I don’t even need the orgy. 

-Mary

\------- 

Mary, 

James wants to know what you’re on about. May I tell him? Also, DETAILS, WOMAN. 

Lily

\------- 

About the orgy? Certainly. about the other thing--let the boys do it. 

-Mary

\------- 

Wormtail, 

Look--Sirius and I haven’t exactly--well, we don’t--I don’t--there hasn’t exactly been confirmation on what it meant. So don’t say anything, okay? 

Thanks. 

-Moony

\------- 

Peter, old buddy, old pal, 

Shhhh. 

Moony’s doing his overthinky thing. Let me talk to him, yeah? 

-S

\------- 

Sirius, 

I don’t know if you want to talk about it--I mean, we can pretend it never happened if you want--I know you aren’t, well--but we should probably talk about it before it gets too awkward. I mean, unless we’re forgetting about it. Which I can. If you want. 

-Remus 

\------- 

Sirius and Pete, 

Does Remus have another life-changing secret? Because he’s acting that way again. Is he, I don’t know, also a prince? 

-James

\------- 

No idea. 

-Pete

\------- 

Pete, 

Why are boys so stupid? I thought they had worked it out! 

-Mary

\------- 

Remus, 

I always thought actions spoke louder than words. I suppose we can talk if you like. 

-Sirius

\------- 

Sirius, 

So we aren’t forgetting or pretending? Because--well, I’d like the words. I’m a wordy person. I don’t always--a half drunken kiss can mean a lot of things, Sirius. 

-Remus 

\------- 

Had you been drinking in the Library all day? I certainly wasn’t the half-drunk one. 

-S

\------- 

Sirius, 

No, obviously not--But you had been at the party--and I assumed--okay, we seriously need to talk. This is not something that should be done over paper. 

-Remus

\------- 

James, 

There are some things a man should never walk in on. 

I have now walked in on it twice. 

Once with you and Lily, once with... 

well. 

There are some things a man should never walk in on. 

Though, at least they didn’t notice me? 

Peter

\------- 

Bloody finally. It’s about time. I’ve been waiting for that to happen since fifth year. 

-James

\------- 

Lily, 

Now that my friends have finally got their act together, would you like to join me in a spot of patrolling? There are a number of empty classrooms that could have firsties in them. 

-James

\------- 

Why James, 

I am scandalized at the suggestion. 

Also, might not be wearing knickers. 

Lily

\------- 

Marauders, Lily, and most especially my brilliant partner Mary, 

Allow me to say this with the utmost seriousness and modesty imaginable: 

I AM OFFICIALLY THE AWESOMEST PLANMAKER EVER 

Yours, 

Peter Pettigrew.


End file.
